Emotionless
by OneManShow
Summary: TwoBit is sititng at home one night when he decides to write a letter to his father and his feelings pour out of him. A oneshot songfic on request. Enjoy.


**Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders, that is owned by S.E. Hinton. I do not own the song Emotionless**, **that is owned by Good Charlotte. I am not making any profit off of this. **

**Hey dad  
I'm writing to you  
Not to tell you that I still hate you  
Just to ask you  
How you feel  
And how we fell apart  
How this fell apart  
**

Two-Bit looked down at the paper that was blank except for the fainted blue lines painted across it. He sighed. Everything he thought about writing came out wrong. He kept wanting to write about how everything was going fine, and he, his mom and sister were getting along good...But as he recited the letter over in his head, he realized it was all wrong. He wanted to scream at his dad. It was his fault everything was so screwed up. All his fault.

**Are you happy out there in this great wide world?  
Do you think about your sons?  
Do you miss your little girl?  
When you lay your head down  
How do you sleep at night?  
Do you even wonder if we're all right?  
**

Two-Bit started to write. The pencil scraping frantically on the paper, not completely on each line perfect, but diagonal and misplaced.  
"Dad,  
Hi. This is your son. Y'know, Keith? I guess you don't remember. Go ahead. Take a minute. Yeah, it's coming back now, huh? It's hard to remember your family when you got a new one. A slut wife, two new damned children. Don't blame you. I suck. But my mom and my sister are something special. How the hell do you live with yourself, huh?"

**But we're all right  
We're all right  
**

"We're doing okay. As okay as it's ever been here." Two-Bit stopped and crossed that out. "Life fucking sucks. My two friends died. I dunno if you remember Johnny and Dally. Probably not. Johnny died saving little kids from a fire and Dally died getting shot by the police. He deserved it, I know, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. But I know a lot about hurt, thanks to you. You've taught me a lot about pain. Gee, thanks dad."

**  
It's been a long hard road without you by my side  
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
You broke my mother's heart  
You broke your children for life  
It's not okay,  
But we're all right**

Two-Bit paused and let the pencil drop to the table and stood up. He went into the kitchen and pulled out a beer. He brought it back over to the table and opened it. He took a swig before picking the pencil back up.  
"So my kid sister's never known a father. She has me. I try to let her know that. But it's hard. Especially when you're dealing with your own crap. You think about your life and think 'God damn, she's growing up. Will she have a life like mine?' and then you hope to fucking God that she won't."**  
**

**I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
But those are just a long lost memory of mine  
I spent so many years learning how to survive  
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive**

"Remember when you taught me to play football? That was fun. I really thought you were the coolest guy in the world. I was ten, what do you expect? You ain't so smart at ten. Anyways, I don't think there was a cloud in the sky (or I could just be making that up, maybe there was lightening, I'm not sure) and you threw the ball to me and I caught it. Only once though. Every other time I dropped it. And you just smiled and said 'It's okay, try again,' and I beamed like those were words of God."

**  
The days I spent so cold, so hungry  
Were full of hate  
I was so angry  
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body  
There's things I'll take to my grave  
But I'm okay  
I'm okay**

"You seemed perfect at first glance. I suppose to people who don't know you, you still do. It's funny how I didn't notice you were rotting inside until you hurt everyone. We were all silently suffering for the longest times. When you started not coming home until late, drowning yourself in booze (which, by the way, I picked up from you) and then one day you were just gone. Mom cried for the longest time and then she just went numb. She ain't as numb as she used to be, but her heart is. No one can get through to it. Good job, dad."

**  
It's been a long hard road without you by my side  
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
You broke my mother's heart  
You broke your children for life  
It's not okay,  
But we're all right**

"It's been hard, this past while. A lot had gone on. Two friends killed a guy, then hideout, then one of them and a different friend died. What was it Ponyboy said? Oh yeah. Johnny died gallant while Dally died lost, alone and broken. Or something like that. I can't remember half the things that kid says. Oh, sorry. Am I boring you?"

**  
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
But those are just a long lost memory of mine  
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive  
Yeah, I'm still alive**

"The people you left still exist..." Two-Bit look at the pencil which had seemed to have shrunk two inches since he started the letter. He then looked at the paper which, despite crossing-outs and lead smudges, was readable. And then he looked into the beer bottle. When did two of them appear? And when did they both become empty?

**  
Sometimes  
I forgive  
Yeah and this time  
I'll admit  
That I miss you, said I miss you**

"I know what you're thinking. 'Why the hell is this kid writing me?' Because I wanted to give you a reminder of all the hurt and broken pieces you left behind. All the things you crushed, and all the things you're blamed for. You're blamed for everything. Why? Because maybe if we had been an actual family I wouldn't have been so screwed up. Maybe I'd be able to deal with the fact that two good friends of mine are dead. Instead all I can do is deny it. Which I learned from you. You deny everything. So I'm not expecting you to take anything I have to say seriously. Deny it, go ahead. But in the back of your mind you'll know this is all your fault. You did this. So give yourself a pat on the back."

**  
It's been a long hard road without you by my side  
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
You broke my mother's heart  
You broke your children for life  
It's not okay,  
But we're all right**

"I guess despite all my blames, and all my anger is sadness. Regret. What could I have done to stop you from going? Was it my fault? And you know, sometimes I just want to cry. I don't remember what that feels like. Do you? I haven't cried since I was four and I scraped my knee. You were there, too." A teardrop slid onto the paper and Two-Bit watched it slide down the words and melt away some of the letters. "I guess it feels good. Empties you. Anyways, what I guess I'm trying to say is I miss you."

**I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
But those are just a long lost memory of mine  
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive**

Two-Bit wrote the address on the envelop as neatly as he could manage before resting the letter inside. He looked at it, and then ripped it. It tore into half, and then quarters, until it was tiny little bits that no one would mistake for a paper-filled of feelings. That no one would think of as the bottled up emotions of someone who could only smile on the outside, but never the inside. Two-Bit breathed heavily, taking gulps of raspy air, like a fish out of water. He sat down on the couch and cradled his chin in his hands.

**And sometimes  
I forgive  
And this time  
I'll admit, that I miss you, I miss you  
Hey dad**

"I guess I still miss you." Another pair of tears slid down his cheek. "I really do."


End file.
